Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Text me some of your sweat
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
