I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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