That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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