You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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