after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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