And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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