i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
