If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
