my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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