I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
