My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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