I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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