The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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