Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
