So drunk its hurt
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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