I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Drake has all the answers
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
