someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
