I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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