im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
