i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
