dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
