and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
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If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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