My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
