I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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