ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
