life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
