I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
