I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
