I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
