He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
