You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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