I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
