No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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