i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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