dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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