Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
