i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
