Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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