They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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