Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
