mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
