i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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