There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
