She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
whose parrot is this?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
