I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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