I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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