I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
