You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
