Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
