i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
