wrigley field is MILF paradise
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i barfeds in our rink
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
