Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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