I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
