I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You left your phone here
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