I puked a lego.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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