So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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