how can u be prego again
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
