I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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