btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
