I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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