not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
