My hand turned me down
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
