i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
