I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
