mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I checked into jail on foursquare
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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